Thursday, January 07, 2010

A 4 Month Follow-up

I was wondering when the last time I posted a blog post and was not suprised that is was back in September. Alot has happened since then and you probably didn't need to hear the thoughts going on in my head.

I was diagnosed in september with Clinical Depression brought on by post-pardum. Now I have had PPD before when I had Liam 8 yrs ago but it was mostly due to lack of sleep. I didn't sleep for the first 8 months of Liams life and it took a toll on me. No biggie though I took meds for a couple of months, taught Liam to sleep through the night and I was fine. This time is nothing like last time. I started to get really angry with the people around me and it didn't seem who or what they were doing mattered it just all made me MAD! My baby (Brinley) was the least of my problems. She was the only one who didn't make me upset but the other two mastered it in no time. I was a horrible mom and I didn't know what to do. Finally I had my meltdown one wednesday during the kid's dance classes. I was so upset for no reason and I had to fight the urge to run people down in the parking lots. I'm not exagerating either. I cam home sent the kids downstairs, put the baby in the bathtub and sat on the bathroom floor and cried until I could compose myself enough to call Tracy and melt down again. Tracy has walked in my shoes and knows me better then anyone so she wasn't surprised at all, I think she'd been waiting for the call for awhile and knew it was only a matter of time.

I called my OB right away the next morning and they directed me to a mental health unti here in the city. I told them I needed help ASAP and they sent over a distress team that day to talk to me and give me a few options. I then headed to my family DR and he prescribed some anti-depressants to try and help me get control. They made the anger go away but they also made me soooo tired. The whole house fell apart. I stop cleaning, cooking and taking care of myself completly. So I went back to the DR and he gave me something else to try. They worked MUCH better. I still had bad days but they were getting less and less. I was then sent to the Foothills Hospital to see a specialist at the post pardum clinc there. She upped up my meds and now I feel much better I still have my moments but they are very few. Now the only reason I am tired is because Brinley like to teeth and keep me awake at night.

It's nice to feel more like myself but I still struggle to be the happy person I once was. She pop's her head out once and awhile but it's along process to feel like I'm me again. I feel tremendous guilt for what I have inflicted my family with but I can't change the past. Kelsey really took the brunt of it because she was home with me everyday. She also knows how to push my buttons best. It's her gift. I feel like have so much to make up to her for what we went through. Patrick was supportive but really there's not much he could do. I have to say though when I let the house go he said NOTHING! Smart man I probably would have set fire to him or the house, but it wasnt' necessary. He's glad to have his wife back but she still needs work.

I have definalty questioned my abilitys as a mom but I tell myself that I am only humand and there's a reason why I'm going through this. I haven't figured it out yet but I'm working on it. I think the biggest thing that allows me to keep moving is having an amazing support group of women who understand what I'm feeling. I just with they lived closer. There were some peole who just stayed away. They didn't know what to say or do so they were always awkward with me. I'm not sure what I would tell someone now on how to cope with a person who is struggling with PPD but I would tell them to treat them like a normal person and allow them the time to find out where the problem may lie.